Marriage Real Talk

Next year, Chris and I will celebrate ten years of marriage. It’s a strange feeling to look up and realize how quickly time has passed, and yet at the same time, remember how it felt when you were waiting with heart-pounding anticipation for your wedding day to finally arrive.

We’re currently in the thick of cold and flu season here. Our own household recently succumbed to illness and all three of our children have been coughing, sneezing, snotty messes. It has not been pretty, to say the least. Wiping runny noses and dodging wet coughing fits from toddlers who don’t yet understand how to cover their own mouths wasn’t what either of us glamorously envisioned while saying our vows, but to be honest, today I looked up and realized that I am quite possibly the happiest and most content in my life that I have ever been.

Today our vacuum wasn’t working. And after dealing with a house full of germs for several days, I wanted a clean house. Like now. So I asked my husband to take a look at it so that I could vacuum our floors. He pulled the end piece off and realized that the motor was being stalled by long strands of red hair tightly wound around the brush. Oops. Anyone who has a wife or daughters with long hair can likely relate. My husband then took on the roll of “vacuum barber” and gave her a haircut. Alas, she started spinning again.

My husband could have easily handed the vacuum over to me at this point like I requested, but instead, he did something that I think beautifully portrays the roll that we are all supposed to play in marriage. He started vacuuming. First, the living room rugs…then the dining room, kitchen, hallways, the hardwoods…then he vacuumed our couches, bar stools, and chairs–finding all the little crumbs the children had left hiding in the creases. He didn’t have to do that. I didn’t even ask him to do it. But in nearly ten years, my husband and I have found a sort of “rhythm” that works for us–and it’s part of why I believe we have a primarily peaceful home most of the time. We look for ways to serve the other. We are intentional.

A partnership. That’s what marriage is supposed to be. If you are a person of Faith like me then you already know that the person you are married to was uniquely created for YOU; they have the ability to meet your individual needs and fill in the gaps with their own strengths and skill sets where your abilities might be lacking.

This is not meant to be a shaming piece….a “my spouse is better than your spouse” article, or a trophy blog-proudly proclaiming our perfection. In fact, I could spend the NEXT ten years writing blogs solely on all the ways we have personally failed one another in the past. Maybe I’ll do that when I run out of other material. I’m sure many people would find humor in the time I lost my mind (and almost my salvation!) when I found my husband giving the “wrong” bottle to our newborn son…or the time when I threw a bottle of chili spice at my husband (for who knows what)…or when my husband quickly found out that eating the last chocolate bar in the house without permission was an (almost) unforgivable sin. But I digress.

I have a passion for seeing families, and especially marriages, thrive–and if I can share part of my failures and successes in a way that is helpful or meaningful to someone else, I will. So here it goes. And apologies in advance to my mama and mama-in-law if this makes you blush. This is marriage real talk.

Men, if you want to love your wife and serve her well–do not wait for her to ask you for help. Just do it. Come home and wash the dishes piled up in the sink before she has time to ask. Take a cue from my husband’s recent playbook and put the kids to bed by yourself and start your wife a hot bath with candles and tell her to go enjoy her alone time. Vacuum the house…wash a load of laundry (and put it up-don’t just leave it in a pile for her to do later)…bring home your wife’s favorite chocolate or flowers… take the kids away and allow her to have a few minutes to herself to read, recharge, or take a nap. The irony about being thoughtful is that it actually doesn’t require much thought at all. In fact, if you want to be a real hero–do all of the above! And not just once in a blue moon. Make a habit of it. Pour yourself out to your family, love your wife well, set an example to your children of what a man should be, and take equal responsibility for the household duties.

Now ladies, I see you nodding your heads in agreement and getting ready to copy and paste the above paragraph to your husbands. But before you do, I have a word for you too. And before you start complaining about how tired you are–please hear me. I have three children age three and under. I work from home while also being full-time mommy and wife. I get tired. It is a perpetual state we all live in that will not soon change. But this is important. Your husband has only a handful of primary needs that only YOU are able to meet. One of those is his need for physical intimacy. Stop holding it over his head like a prize to be won. As NIKE would say…just do it. And not in a ‘be present but don’t be an equal participant’ kind of way. I mean it in the ‘smack him on the booty, take his hand and lead him to the bedroom and rock his world kind of way’. Why? Because you are the only one that can meet this need for him, and it’s a pretty important one to him. And while you’re at it, be respectful of him…speak kindly to him…use those two “magic” words Barney taught us when we were little – “Please” and “Thank you.” Smile at him…don’t insult him when he tries to help out, even if he’s not doing it your way…just be grateful for him.

Now that we’ve established that, let me talk about the chicken and the egg. Which comes first? It doesn’t matter! Many people will read the above and say “Well, I would do that IF he/she did his/her part first.” Stop. You can’t make your spouse do anything, but one thing I have found is that my husband seems a whole lot more likely to help out if his physical needs are being met–and I’m a whole lot more likely to want to jump his bones when I see a vacuum in his hand. Just saying. It doesn’t matter which one comes first. One of you–and probably whoever is reading this–needs to take some initiative. Do your part. Men and women have different needs. Ask your spouse how you can love them and serve them today and the answer might surprise you. Is this a recipe for a perfect union? No…but it sure does make life a lot easier and happier for everyone.

A few days ago my husband casually asked me at the dinner table what my favorite chocolate was. I thought about it for a minute and then told him about how in college after a long day, my roommate and I would drive down to the local Wal-Mart (and not a Super Wal-Mart either…) to pick up a bag of Dove dark chocolates. We weren’t the partying type so this one indulgence felt like our little slice of heaven. Sometimes we would go super late at night which felt particularly scandalous to me at the time. But even now, I find myself sometimes wishing after a long day with the children I could hop in the car and go buy some Dove dark chocolate.

Last night after an all day battle of the germs with the babies before I literally crawled into bed, I found a piece of Dove dark chocolate sitting on my side of the bathroom counter. This small act of love might not have cost my husband very much, but I can promise it is going to pay dividends to him in the future. Be thoughtful…love your spouse well. And thanks for letting me be real for a moment.